i used to fly the flag on special days at my grandparents’ house
when me and my sisters would run around on their porch
waving around the red, white, and blue.
back then it was something to be proud of.
when we were nothing more than three girls
holding our downfall in our little hands.
 
me and my sisters used to hold hands
and wear pretty dresses together
and we would hug.
we would hug.
now my brother smells like hockey
and my sister looks my age.
now my brother is being hated by the government for his gender.
and my sister is being hated by the government for hers.
i don’t think they know that.
my brother doesn’t know a lot about the anti-trans laws
and my sister doesn’t think any will affect her.
they don’t really care.
i hope they never have to.
as much as i hate them sometimes,
and as much as they hate me too,
they’re the only two people i would die for.
the people i want to protect.
the people i love the most.
my siblings and i don’t say i love you anymore,
and we never hug.
we never hug.
 
before i came out as trans,
i felt trapped.
suffocating in my own skin,
with a face and a body that didn’t look like mine.
i tried and tried to crawl out
but the girl i saw in the mirror didn’t go away.
was she me?
she didn’t look like me.
she looked like bad haircuts and red glasses,
big smiles with bad braces.
i hated her.
i missed the me before i started changing.
she looked like long hair and lip gloss,
fun dresses and purple walls.
she doesn’t look like me,
but i know she used to.
she hated boys.
what would she think of me now?
 
i came out in october 2024.
the week of my 15th birthday.
i wanted to feel like that year was mine.
everything after that was supposed to be
mine.
is my body still mine?
is my name still mine?
is my voice still mine?
have they ever been?
will they ever be?
 
my american dream started on those nights in july
where i’d sit in my red white and blue clothes
and look up at the sky full of fireworks
and feel safe.
my american dream died
when the red white and blue stood for blood sweat and tears
that were given by people like and unlike me
so that i could see this bright sky full of smoke and fire
and wonder,
will i ever be safe?
my american dream turned into an american nightmare
before it ever got further
than a dream.